It's always darkest before the dawn
by Yvesnoir7
Summary: Kate made the decision to walk away from Castle for the sake of his safety but what is really going on? What is she exactly going through? How will Castle react? This is a journey throughout the new series of events with a little addition in between, an exploration of the two characters' feelings, reactions and thoughts. Every obstacle can be overcame.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

This is my first story ever I wanted to explore the new Caskett situation in season 8. I love this season a lot so far but I thought I needed somehow more details and explanations and I wanted to give voice to what I think both Kate and Rick are going through and I also wanted to add a little twist in between. It may be a little angsty in the beginning but I love Caskett too much so an happy ending is guaranteed but not without some obstacle to overcome. I'm still not sure how far I will go with this story and now is rated T but it could probably change to M. I'm openly exploring my ideas and imaginations so help me with reviews I would appreciate them.

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The early morning dim light entered violently the room through the windows like an explosion, too bright it was almost inappropriate for the dark circumstances. Despite the sunny morning that was awakening the millions people of New York City everything felt cold.. Just so damn cold it was like the whole world stopped working properly and every little detail such as something mundane as the weather was utterly upside down. 

7 am in the morning and nothing seemed worth the effort to crawl out of bed and start a new day.. But she had to, she had an aim she made a promise and nothing will ever keep her from accomplish that.

She got up headed for the bathroom and started her every morning routing in the careless way she was so familiar with in the last couple of weeks. She still had some time before work so she decided to try to have some decent breakfast for the first time in days. She just didn't feel like eating lately. Even the natural act of swallowing the so needed resources of energy for her body system was an abnormal effort.

She sat at the shameful filthy little table of the motel room she chose as her temporary "home".. home oh is such a precious little word so much meaning so beautiful to hear so painful just to think about it. She knows she gave up the only real home she ever had the only place where she could feel safe, loved, protected and welcome.. Welcome? Would she still be welcome in that home? Could she really still call it HER home? Especially after what she told him yesterday she knows she has been unfair with him asking so sharply if she could stop by the loft to pick up the rest of her stuff right after he so kindly and lovingly offered her his help. He didn't deserve such treatment she knows that and she hates herself for what she did. Those full-of-love blue eyes so sparkling and hopeful turning in a deep shade of sorrow.

Now she has to live with the memory of that painful look she was responsible for for the rest of her life. She couldn't take that thought out of her head but she deserves that.

God she wants to go home so badly she can't feel nothing but regret and guilt. She knows her motives she truly believes in her decision she's doing it for him after all, only for him.. Is she? No she knows she's selfish she's doing this because the only thought of not seeing him again of not being able to lose her mind and senses in the warmth of his embraces, in his scent, in his words, in his small gestures, in his essence because of the choices she made she knows she wouldn't survive it.

She knows from previous experience that her mind wouldn't take another loss but this one? This would be different. It wouldn't just be the loss of her loved one it would take her psyche to the bottom of insanity, choke it with a tight grip and lose it in the darkness of pain, regret and guilt. Yeah she knows she would first lose her sanity and then she'd get lost In a place where her own mind betrays her body and she'd just be no more. So she knows she has to do this for the sake of the person she loves the most and maybe for her own sake too. She managed to make herself a piece of bread with some butter on it, it really is the only thing available in her mini fridge right now, not that she'd be able to eat anything more.

She never felt more lonely, not even when her mother died when she was completely devastated torn apart into million pieces and barely rebuilt in a weaker, but in some way stronger, version of her former self and when everything in her life changed drastically and permanently because she lost a fundamental piece of her life, but this time she made a deliberate decision to walk away from the best thing that ever happened to her. Every single pieces that she was able to slowly and painfully put together after her mum died was now falling apart and for good. It wasn't supposed to be this hard but it is, it's her fault and she'll take it.

8:43 am, gosh now she was really late. She quickly stood up from the wooden chair at the dining table, anxious to get out of that place as fast as she could. She started feeling a little dizzy and nauseous, she really did have to calm a bit down. It was almost too much she felt her bile rising up her throat, she couldn't take it anymore and she knew she couldn't make it to the bathroom in time so she looked for the best thing available to empty her stomach. Yeah the kitchen sink. It was awful she knew she wasn't used to eat breakfast anymore but she didn't expect such a reaction. However, she hadn't much time to waste so she went to the bathroom to brush her teeth and freshen up and she was ready to go again.

"Hey Lanie what have we got?". The ME was slightly surprised to see her friend here since it wasn't a necessary part of her job anymore but still she was really glad.

"Hey girl, woman, supposedly in her mid 30s COD 3 bullets wounds in her chest. Preliminary examination told me it took her a few minutes to bleed out so she most certainly suffered, poor girl she was also married."

Kate looked confused. "How do you know?"

"We found her holding a wedding ring in her right hand. I can tell you more when we'll bring her to the morgue. In the meantime, care to explain what are you doing at the crime scene? Aren't you supposed to have some captain duty to fulfill?"

"Well yeah, I just dropped by to see if the boys were doing good without me. No I'm kidding I know they're great I just miss all of this and today didn't start so well so I just wanted to see you guys for a while but I'm heading back to the precinct now I really have some stuff to do".

It's not that she didn't like her new position as the captain of the 12th precinct it's just that everything seemed wrong. She decided she wanted new challenges to face to be motivated again and she saw this promotion not only as a new achievement but also as something that could inspire her to do more but right now everything just doesn't make sense. She was used to work on her own and to invest her entire life in the job but everything changed when Castle made his way inside her life turning it upside down. It's almost like her whole career was pointless without anything to look forward to at the end of the day. Lanie smiled at Kate and she smiled back but the joy didn't reach her eyes and despite her effort she wasn't fast enough to hide it from the suspicious look of her best friend.

"Girl, you know you can talk to me about anything right? And that I'm here for you".

God no, she didn't want go down that path of difficult explanations but she still was very grateful for her friend's concern.

"Yeah I know I really appreciate that, thank you".

Kate returned to her office started the huge amount of paperwork she still had to do and lost her mind in the work at least a little bit. The time passed unexpectedly very fast without her even acknowledging it was soon time for lunch. Her mind unconsciously drifted to him. It was very easy that her thoughts would lay on her husband she couldn't help it. She wandered if he would be eating right now or what he would eat today. She hoped he wouldn't lose control over burgers and fries or milkshakes and smorelettes, it wasn't good for him and he promised her that he... wait she has to stop, she can't allow herself to wander in such ordinary thoughts, she doesn't have much right to do so after all, does she? God she was pathetic.

Soon she realized she wasn't even hungry. She was used to her body adjusting to anxiety or emotional battles by losing her appetite and she remembered failing this morning to keep that little amount of food down her throat so she gave up. She turned off her computer took her bag and walked out of the precinct. She needed some air.

She found herself staring at a little boy playing football on the grass. His eyes a piercing blue and his hair dark brown that seemed so soft. She felt warm the sun was at its highest point at this hour of the day and she could feel a little fresh breeze caressing her skin. She felt a strange sense of peace in the familiar spring air here surrounded by families and innocent children, she felt good and calm. Time stilled for a while. Everything felt so surreal. The little giggles and pitchy voices of other children awakened her from this weird state of unconsciousness.

"How the hell did I end up here?" She thought to herself.

She slowly turned around and found herself standing next to a set of swings. Their swings? She shouldn't be surprised she always considered this spot a place where she could feel safe maybe because they remind her of him or maybe because some of the biggest changes in their life's happened right here. However, she really couldn't recall how she ended up here. Did she walk from the precinct? Did she took a cab or her own car? No she definitely walked but for how long until she unconsciously decided she needed to be here?

Still wondering about the time spent from when she walked out of the precinct since she arrived at the park she took a sit on one of the swings gently rocking back and forth with her feet some inches off the ground and then she did something she probably shouldn't have done for the sake of her integrity.

She turned her head slightly to her left a gesture so reminiscent of that rainy day when she finally let all her walls down. And then.. then she just couldn't keep herself under control anymore her defenses were crumbling down and before she could even noticed she felt some drops falling down her jawline landing on the top of her shirt and on her intertwined hands on her lap. She acknowledged her tears but didn't bother to wipe them away. She didn't lose her compuser though, it wasn't the right place or time and she hadn't reach the limit of no return, yet.

Suddenly she felt exhausted and yet again oddly nauseous. She wanted to go back to her place and just lay down on her bed and maybe let the sleep take her in a place where she could feel a little less then this shitty mess but she was perfectly aware of the fact that if she allowed herself to sleep right now she wouldn't want to get out of that damn bed anymore. So she stayed there a little longer and then headed once again back to the only place where she could take her mind off for a while, the place where she could bring a little justice and a little peace at least to others.

The day went by relatively fast. The case was an easy one, the boys managed to crack it almost immediately after Lanie filled them with new informations about the time pre mortem and after they found out about the victim's marriage condition. As expected it was her husband who killed her after a moment of rage caused by the fact that her wife wanted a divorce and in the process she wanted to obtain a full custody of their son. A crime of passion, if you can call it that way. Even though Kate wasn't fully involved in the investigation she helped with the interrogation part and being helpful in bringing justice to that innocent young woman and the now mother-less child almost alleviated the pain she was feeling.

When Kate finally entered the motel room she was struck by an expected exhaustion. She didn't realized her back was hurting really bad, her fresh scar pulling and throbbing, her head pounding. In short, she was miserable.

She got rid of her high-heeled boots, hung her coat and scarf and took off her badge and gun, however she didn't put them back in their normal safe place.

She should stop by the loft before dinner time and pick up her stuff so she wouldn't come across Castle but she simply didn't have enough energy in her system to drag herself out of her apartment. She still had some time so she decided to try to take some rest and the bathtub seemed the best option.

She entered her bathroom and started running the hot water then she took off her pants and shirt so that she was in her underwear. She hesitated before taking her panties and bra off, her hand slowly fell on her left side, down her ribs where her new scar rested, she flinched and a shiver ran down her spine so she wrapped herself in a tight embrace for a few seconds or minutes, she wasn't sure. Kate suddenly realized that it's been weeks since Castle last saw her in just her underwear,naked and she also realized that he never saw the new scar that now marked her body. She couldn't help but feeling exposed, vulnerable, insecure.

Her mind was filled with different types of emotions, feelings and fears, she was unstable and devastated. Kate has always been very comfortable with her body maybe even proud of it, it was actually one of the few things she could rely on right after her mother died, when everything seemed out of place her body was the only thing she was in control of. Now she wasn't so sure, her own body was working against her she couldn't eat, she couldn't sleep properly and even the simple every-day act of looking her reflection in the mirror was a hard time. She looked horrible, her chest was now marked by different scars that once symbolized her strength and survival and now were just a reminder of everything she failed.

She couldn't help but wonder if Castle would still find her attractive, if he could still caress her body without being captured by sad and painful memories. She knows she can't so why would he be different? It was too much, she felt overwhelmed and crushed by the thoughts she allowed herself to have.

And then she found herself snuggled on the cold bathroom floor leaning on the ceramic bathtub wall, she was shaking and tears were now falling freely down her cheeks but she managed to prevent from losing herself in wracking sobs. Kate placed her now spinning head between her hands hoping it would calm her but she was yet again struck by an awful feeling, she felt nauseous and just like earlier this morning she couldn't keep the "content" of her stomach down.

And so now there she was exhausted leaning on the toilet waiting for another waive of nausea to hit her. When the heaving finally subsided she got up from the tiled floor and brushed her teeth before having a glass of water.

She just couldn't do this anymore, she felt lonely and she needed comfort, she was a strong and independent woman who never relied on another person to comfort her in this kind of state actually she never let anyone close enough to her weakness, at least not until Rick came by and now she wasn't even ashamed to say that she needed him, needed his comforting and relieving words, needed his presence but she was alone now, she screwed everything up again though she at least needed to hear his voice, what harm could it be?

She gathered her courage, picked up her phone and dialed the only number she has known by heart for so long. Time stilled for a moment waiting for him to answer her call in the meantime she managed to calm her heartbeat and keep her erratic breathing under control, she sounded normal again. And then when he finally picked up the phone and grunted an almost sleepy "Beckett" her heart skipped a beat and started pounding so hard again she could almost feel it out of her chest.

"Hey, Castle". She knows her voice was unsteady she just hoped he wouldn't notice.

"Yes Beckett?". He's voice was cold and distant but not in the way it would normally be with a stranger no, it was well affected by the voice on the other end of the line still it was perfectly restrained, however Kate didn't seem to notice.

She couldn't find the words. What should she say? Why did she even call? Comfort, yeah she needed that, that's why she called him for he knew how to comfort her.

"Ehm I... how are you doing Castle"?

He snorted soundly

"Why Beckett, since when do yo call for small talks?" This time she caught his annoyance.

"I..I don't know Castle, I just wanted to talk, I'm sorry I really didn't want to bother you". She didn't understand his behavior but now that she thinks about it she shouldn't have expected otherwise. What was she thinking? What right did she have to call him for just a casual talk while the only thing she's done so far was pushing him away.

She felt small, her voice so weak and her breath erratic, tears were already gathering behind her eyes clouding her vision.

"Look, are you going to stop by the loft? I'd like to know because I have other things to do and right now I don't feel like tal... you know what? Never mind, you still have your key so just stop by whenever you want and suit yourself I'm done waiting. "

Wait what did he mean by that?

"Rick, I..I can come now if you want" She was desperate now, pleading for attention.

"Kate, I don't care" His voice painfully defeated. He wasn't giving up, was he?

"No Cas-"

The silence that reverberated in her ears was now the only thing she had left.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

In this chapter we will explore Rick's POV his reactions, realizations and coping mechanisms. I want to give fair relevance to both of them. I know you can't see the light yet in this story but please stick with me. Hope you'll enjoy

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"Listen, I was planning on calling you.."

Her voice has always been his weakness, it could easily hypnotize his mind just by the soft sound of it and her words, those words, he's been longing to hear them for quite a bit now. Honestly he didn't think he would have heard them in such a relatively short time.

"Really? Well, here I am, ruggedly handsome and at your service. What do you need?"

The moment he met her eyes he sensed she was uncomfortable with his statement, though he felt a strong hopeful feeling he couldn't prevent from letting it noticed.

"Uhm, I was just hoping I could stop by the loft later on...cause I need to pick up the rest of my stuff"

He felt something he wasn't very used to, something he rarely experienced in his life. Defeat.

Not that he's never been let down, he tasted the bitterness of life, of difficulties, obstacles and most important of disappointment but he never felt defeated, he actually refused to feel that way because he knows very well that sometimes it can be a point of no return, a point where you cannot see a way out. That's way he always managed to rise from dark situations, he vowed after his first real disappointment during the course of his life that he would always fight back, he would always react positively, to never feel defeated.

This time though felt different. He was torn between waiting for the love of his life or just let it go. Could he keep swimming counter current for the rest of his life?

"..Absolutely..anytime"

It stung. A burning sensation that cut his breath short and left him dealing with a myriad of emotions.

He couldn't be in this place anymore, he wanted space. Ugh...even the sound of that little word felt so wrong but apparently is what people ask for very often lately.

After a time that passed so quickly but felt so heavily long he found himself descending in the precinct's elevator towards the escape he was longing for. He needed to think and rationalize everything that happened earlier within those two minutes.

He'd been walking for at least 20 minutes towards an undefined destination when his phone rang showing Alexis' ID and picture on the display . He didn't want to answer, he wasn't in a good state of mind and didn't want to uselessly worry his daughter so he opted for declining her call. He didn't have e specific destination so he figured that there was no point in keeping walking around the city and decided that was better if he headed home so he hailed a cab and gave the driver his address.

When he entered the loft he soon realized it was empty. His mother had probably headed to the Hamptons a little earlier than what she had planned and Alexis should be somewhere studying for her classes, at least he hoped so. He was experiencing that feeling when everything in your life doesn't make any sense and you don't have a damn idea of how to put the pieces together.

A mess. That's what his life was right now.

Chaos. That's what his head felt right now.

And he had no clue how to fix this.

He was sitting on the edge of the couch holding his head between his hands. His temples were pounding for how hard he was thinking though his thoughts were just a back and forth of informations trying to analyze every single detail from the moment she walked out of that damn door to this early morning when she took another piece of his heart. Actually it wasn't about his heart anymore, the truth is that he lost it to her a long time ago, no..it was about his mind, he just didn't want to deal with his mind anymore, too painful, too hard.

While he was meticulously retracing that series of events trying to understand what he did wrong, which wrong step he took or what bad decision he made that led them to this shattering situation he all of a sudden realized that he never spent a moment trying to figure the reason behind Kate decision and her current behavior. He never, not even once, looked for the story.

He's sure as hell there's a lot she's not telling him, he vowed to trust her, always, so why does it feel like he's been betrayed? His confusion was growing drastically and slowly leading to an odd and unexpected feeling of anger. He lifted his head from its resting position between his hands and fixed his look towards his office, his refuge, the same place where the name 'Nikki Heat' first saw the light of the day, where his new life began and where his precious muse slowly turned into his loved wife. When he first wrote about her he was nothing but exited and hopeful, so hopeful and challenged by the mystery that was Kate Beckett and never once he could have imagined that one day that beautiful and frustrating woman would become his wife and now...now here he was trying to find a clue if she still wanted to be his wife, if the marriage they worked so hard for would last despite the countless tests that life constantly submitted them. He knows, no..he's sure of one thing though, if they'll ever get through this mess they would be invincible.

He loves her. Sometimes it's joyful sometimes it's painful and it's uncontrollable, sometimes he questions his sanity, he doesn't know if it's even humanly possible to love someone like he loves her but he does and it's essential for his being. That's what he's sure about.

He got up from the couch and headed to his...their..bedroom. The sun was now setting and the feeble late-evening light was filtering through the windows. He noticed a particular strong ray of sun settling on a sparkling silver frame, the intense twinkle upsetting his eyes almost in a mocking way. When his eyes finally adjusted he realized the object hit by the late sun, their wedding photo. It was her favorite picture of that beautiful day almost a year ago, he didn't particularly like it because she had her back to the camera concealing her face while he was turned midway staring at her but she explained to him that the reason she loved that photo was the look of pure love in his eyes while admiring her for the first time as his wife. He sighed picking up the photo and then headed to his bed where he sat and put the frame on his bedside table.

He didn't bother to divest he just took is shoes off and crawled under the sheets. He felt so uncomfortable alone in their bed shivering for her presence he could still feel beside him, truth be told, if he closed his eyelids and let his mind slightly wander he could feel the weight of her sleeping body pressed to his chest, he could see her back slowly rise and fall timing her breath and he could smell the intense scent radiating from her hair. The moment his head touched his pillow he felt like if a weight had been lifted from his chest, his head felt lighter and soon sleepiness invaded his body.

He woke up to the smell of pancakes and fresh coffee filling his nostrils.

He got up of bed put on his flannel robe and entered the living room area through his office.

There she was, his beautiful daughter sipping coffee from her college mug and reading a newspaper. She seemed so grown up he wished he could just go back to the start e relive every single beautiful moment he spent with his little girl, he wished he could have that experience all over again. There's been a time when he was so sure that soon that day was coming, he could feel it, with Kate. But how much time does he have to wait for her?

Will he still be in time to become a parent again?

He shrugged and managed to store that thought in a remote part of his brain.

"Hey sweetheart, up so early?"

"' Hey dad, yeah I have class this morning and I wanted to have a decent breakfast before heading out, why are you up? It's just 7:15 am you could have slept a little longer." Alexis noticed her father appearance and especially the dark circles under his eyes.

"Well..your pancakes woke me up" Castle stated unconvincing.

"Mm, I see. So it's the smell of pancakes that caused that horrible look on your face?"

"Thank you Alexis, no actually I didn't sleep very well last night"

"So I guess this new arrangement is finally affecting your sleep, isn't it? Maybe it's just stress dad or maybe you should simply find some closure to the situation or.. maybe...you should talk to her, call her"

"Yeah well, thank you for your introspection session and I appreciate your concern but what I do know right now is that I don't owe her a call and I'm not gonna do that just because I can't manage to sleep properly. "

She shrugged and waited a few seconds before voicing her thoughts again. "You know what dad, it seems like I've already seen this whole thing, last time you were too proud to ask for an explanation and she was too coward to give you one, though you weren't together and a lot of things has changed in the meantime most importantly you two got married and dad, I don't absolutely take sides but I have to say that Kate has changed a lot during this years, you have to give her this."

Her voice was a little shaky, afraid that she might say the wrong thing and screw everything up.

"I'm sorry Alexis but I don't see your point". Castle was getting a little frustrated by his daughter insinuations but didn't want to look annoyed.

"What I'm trying to say is that there must be a logical explanation to what she did".

He held his gaze to her for a time that seemed infinite then looked down to a non specific point on the counter, his brows furrowed over his thoughts.

"Maybe I just don't want logical anymore".


End file.
